He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
