im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
