my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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