No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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