The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
