i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
