One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
