I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
