I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
