I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
