WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
