you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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