I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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