we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Drunk is a universal language darling
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
