i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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