I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
