I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
