No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
