god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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