If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
