No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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