First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
