she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
