Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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