see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
