Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize