Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
