I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
