but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
