I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
