Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
