u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
