So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize