I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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