Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
