i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
