TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
