Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
