omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
