Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize