I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
