There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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