im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
