There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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