pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
