just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
