This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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