im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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