I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
