Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
