My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
