Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
