Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
