Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
