Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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