He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she smelled like a LAN party
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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