It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we made out on top of his cat.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize