How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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