Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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