Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
