i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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