After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize