I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
